Straight Into Darkness

I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster this last week or so the likes of which I never knew existed.  For a multitude of reasons that I won’t go into here.  Partly because it would take too long, and partly because some of those reasons involve other people and I don’t want to detail anybody else’s personal life.  Suffice to say, I’ve been feeling totally out-of-synch with everything around me.  With my work, with the era we live in, and with people I love.

Until a couple of days ago, I would just wake up wanting to call it a day.  I felt there was nothing I could do, no one I could speak to, nothing I could create that would make a difference, my feelings and my worldview were just too far removed from everything I saw.  I had no sense of emotional direction, no feeling that there was anywhere I could turn to gain lasting solace.  Nothing meant anything.

Everything around me just disappeared into a black hole after promising peace and failing to deliver.  Death seemed like a viable option, because hey, I was dead already, what difference would it make?  No one would miss me anyway.  I was too behind-the-times and too emotional to be of use to anyone.  Might as well pack up and spare everyone any further dreary nonsense.

Well, I haven’t packed up, and I’m not going to.  The universe itself will tell me when it’s my time to board the shuttle, that’s not up to me, nor should it be.  The only option I have, the only option any of us have, is to persevere.  I want to tell everyone who reads this: Hang on.  Life is difficult, and there will be hurdles, sometimes a million of them will be thrown your way at once, but no matter what, you have to keep on.  Keep moving forward, and doing everything in your power to maintain your resolve to live.

Suicide is not a choice.  It’s a sickness, but it’s a sickness we can do something about.  It doesn’t have to be terminal.  We all need to continue, otherwise, we’re wasting our greatest gift, and the greatest thing we can give others.

I’m currently writing a short screenplay that I hope to film this summer with my friend Bianca Raso.  An opportunity that’s one of the many wonderful gifts in my life.

King County Crisis line:


-Ben J.

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